Steel [1997]

In the same vein as that Nick Fury movie we watched a while back starting The Hoff, here we have another half-hearted 90s superhero movie starring a celebrity but this time that celebrity is Shaq. In this film Shaq, named John Henry Irons, no really, is in the military but leaves when his partner Sparks (future lover? spiritual sibling? their relationship is odd) becomes disabled as a result of a crazy man doing crazy things with weapons. Later on Sparks and Irons (YOU SEE THAT) team up to make Irons into a superhero to fight crime on the streets where all these military grade weapons are suspiciously showing up. He does but leaves his throat unprotected, which surely won't be a problem. 

The best part of the film is definitely the last ten minutes where there is insane fighting and acting. Overall, it's just a below average film with some moments.

Spoon Rating: 3

30 Years Frozen, 3 Brothers Regret [2025]

We have discovered a brand new category of bad movie in the TikTok age. This film came to us from a Facebook ad that targeted Sarah. She doesn't know what she did to cause this ad, but it was accurately targeted as we absolutely wanted to watch this, albeit perhaps not for the reason other people might want to.

This film is actually a collection of shorts, 57ish I believe, sewn together to create a feature length film. It wasn't originally shown on TikTok, but the format is clearly designed for that kind of format. The TikTokery of the film is not just in the format but also in the content. This film feels like its target demographic, outside of bad movie connoisseurs, is sad girls between the ages of 8-12 who feel unappreciated and want some validation that they may one day get their karmic retribution.

The plot to this movie is insane. A rich family of three brothers adopt an orphan girl, Selene, to be their sister after their biological sister disappeared. Until her 16th birthday, they treat her like a princess to the point where there might be something borderline inappropriate about how much these brothers love her. However, then their "real" sister, Stella, shows up and they immediately turn on Selene, hating her and only listening to Stella who wants to drive her out of the family for some reason. After Selene suffers more than anyone has suffered for two years, she volunteers herself as an test dummy for her oldest brother's vague science company where she will be frozen for thirty years and maybe die in the process. She also offers to give her eyes to her middle brother who's blind and does all of this anonymously. After she disappears, the brothers try to figure out what happened to her and reflect on how badly they treated her as they slowly realize that Stella is insane. They also find out that Selene is actually their "real" sister and Stella somehow caused this whole mess. Just go with it. They wait patiently for Selene to wake after those thirty years and even restore her sight (somehow) only for her to wake up not knowing who they are.

Where do I even start? The plot holes? The over-the-top sad plot? The complete redemption for the selfless main character? The Batman-esque cackling villain? The copious, repetitive flashbacks? The fake cliffhangers? The ACTING? Oh, the acting. This is some of the worst acting we've ever seen. Everyone is chewing the scenery on telenovela levels. It's hard to imagine someone watching this without laughing hysterically the whole time like we did. It's hard to imagine someone actually feeling anything from this story aside from joy. 

It's a work of art. Please watch it.

 Spoon Rating: 9