Madame Web [2024]

A Razzie award winner and much discussed as one of the worst movies of the year, this one was bound to be a solid one and it definitely was. Between the fact that this is a by-the-numbers superhero origin story that is so clearly a sequel or television set up, the weird directing full of Dutch angles and camera flips, the excessive spiderweb motifs and Pepsi shilling, the Cassandra-the-prophet connection, the mid-2000s styling that is always slightly off, and the stiff acting, this film was a . . . marvel.

The film starts with a very pregnant spider scientist in the Amazon getting nearly murdered by her spider stealing colleague before she gives birth and dies. That daughter in 2003 is an EMT and lone wolf who nearly drowns, awakening her ability to see the future. This leads her to three teenage girls with absent parents who are being hunted down by the aforementioned stealing colleague who has used the spider to become some kind of evil spiderman. Most of the movie is her trying to protect them with a little detour to Peru to learn what really happened with her mom. Insert a lot of action that should really have killed the villain and the shoehorning in of the birth of Peter Parker.

Aside from everything I mentioned in the first paragraph, it's most hilarious how because this film was a complete bomb that also means that it is extremely pointless. The whole film is a setup to something that will never be made. At least we have the unintentional comedy of this film to live on. We will however keep wondering if the 2003 setting was meant to tap into the current Y2K nostalgia and if the fact that the fashions were all not quite right was on purpose to try to appeal to current trends. It certainly was an attempt as this film appealed to no one.

Spoon Rating: 5

The Roommates [1973]

This movie is best described as a series of pornos but only the very beginning before anyone starts having sex. No exaggeration. Every scene is an interaction between two characters, talking about sex, and the implication that they might immediately bone right after. Then suddenly, someone gets killed at the summer camp where the film is set. We genuinely didn't expect it to be a horror film to the point that Adam made a joke about Freddy suddenly appearing and offing someone. 

Is it worth explaining the plot? Or should I say plots? One girl decides to sleep with a divorced rich guy and gets sad but rebounds with some blonde dude she was presumably screwing earlier. One girl has her younger cousin come over and the creepy dude who screwed her at 16 decides to go after her cousin. There's also a guy living in her woods. They don't screw but they do have a moment. There's a girl who works at the library and starts hitting it off with the town sheriff. Then there's a girl who is a camp counselor and ends up screwing one of the campers. Also all these girls might be college students? And the film started with an orgy? This is the most sexless sex movie ever, but the male gaze camera work is cranked up to 11. You will see boobs and so, so much midriff that it's basically the 2004 Teen Choice Awards.

Honestly, this movie was hilarious. We got a lot of joy out of it. What's not to laugh about when everything is a porn set up? It has a real Psycho ripoff of a conclusion to the killer subplot, but that doesn't stop the girls from joyously riding off after a crazy summer, hahaha! 

People died.

Spoon Rating: 6

Fatal Deviation [1998]

Happy St. Patrick's Day! In honor of the holiday Adam cooked up some Irish farm stew and found a low budget Irish martial arts film for us that was a vehicle for a Van Damme fanboy to really show his American Kenpo skills. If the title doesn't sound familiar, there's a famous soundbite that may as it seems to have entered the meme world for its quality: "You made me look bad . . . and that's not good." Incredible writing there from the land of Swift, Wilde, and Joyce. Really makes us proud to be of Irish heritage, and not in any way question why our ancestors left.

James Bennett leaves his reform school (in his 30s seemingly) to venture out and learn martial arts like his murdered dad. Along the way he saves a girl from some goons, but mostly just picks fights with whoever is around to show off his skills. Sometimes he punches a bag and does splits. This catches the attention of the man who murdered his father who makes the bold decision to try to get him into his squad. I think they do crime? It's unclear. There's also a tournament coming up for Beltane (martial arts has literally nothing to do with this holiday) and Bennett is invited to attend. He goes on some dates, has a bar fight, shoots guys while standing on a motorcycle, and then has a long sequence where he learns to fight from a Franciscan monk, who are known for their fighting, right? The movie takes a turn for the Bloodsport ripoff, which is just an Enter The Dragon ripoff, to have the tournament, which Bennett wins. Later, at his second picnic with the girl, he finally gets to shoot his father's murderer with a shotgun. Blooper reel!

This movie is quality. Aside from the painfully obvious nods to other martial arts film, it's got insane lines with insane reads, a plot that doesn't do anything, highly realistic sound effects, and incongruous light 90s pop music. It's also only an hour and ten minutes, a perfect length for it to not drag on too long and with very few dull moments. A definite recommend.

Spoon Rating: 6

Joshua And The Promised Land [2003]

Always an interesting night when it starts with the question, "Where did you find this?" And the answer is, some YouTube video but I genuinely don't remember which one; just that I got two minutes it and paused it because we needed to watch it for ourselves.

As you can see from the image on the left, this one is a real winner with its eye-searing animation. But bonus: it's also religious. An anthropomorphic lion child named Joshua hears his parents fighting and is whisked away to the Bible story of Moses and, uh, Joshua by an angel who's also an Italian-American stereotype. The film is narrated by a purple creature in a bow tie, very Chippendale style. After all these adventures, he goes home for dinner and at the sight of him his parents immediately stop fighting and everything is solved, I guess.

This is a short one at 50 minutes and while it's pretty incredible to behold, the joke does wear a little thin after a while. Somehow a movie of this length still has padding. Overall, it's worth one watch if you are drunk or just feeling a little silly.

Spoon Rating: 5

Since it was a short one we followed it up with two shorts: "Red Asphalt IV" from 1998 that was a shockumentary about car accidents that they would show in a driver's ed class and emphatically not fun, and "Soapy the Germ Fighter" from 1951 where a boy learns that bathing isn't for sissies from a giant bar of soap with arms and legs. We gave that one a spoon rating of 6. It was delightful.