Guns [1990]

It's been a minute since we've had a good bad movie so we decided to gamble on a sure thing: Andy Sidaris.  We were amused by the simplicity of the title of "Guns." While this was a distinctly Andy Sedaris film in every way from the awkward dialogue to the scantily clad government agent women, we played Andy Sidaris bingo but we didn't win. We did get a lot of the board covered overall but it was slightly less over the top than usual. The movie even had some names in it: Erik Estrada and Danny Trejo (who seems to have been the same age for about 30 years). The plot isn't especially important but it's mostly about getting the government agents out of Hawaii so that Erik Estrada can transport guns from China. There's some 80s typical insensitivity to transgender women, ninjas in a gym, a scantily clad singer who's apparently also a government agent and sings the theme song, sex on a motorcycle, and some A+ bad fashion (one outfit was literally fringe booty shorts, a bejeweled bra top and vest, a leopard print fanny pack, and pastel pink lipstick; and this was a look you wear to blow up a boat). It also had frequent Sidaris star Dona Spier whose mother is a Carson City DA who gets kidnaps and she has to rescue her. That's about it. Things happen and it's fun and stupid. It was a nice palette cleanser after a string of unnotable films.

Spoon Rating: 6

Kickboxer: Retaliation [2018]

A long time ago we watched "Kickboxer," the movie where Van Damme learns to kickbox to get revenge for his brother being paralyzed in Thailand. In his own time Adam has been watching through the entire "Kickboxer" series, which stops featuring Van Damme and eventually got rebooted. The seventh movie, called "Kickboxer: Retaliation," was the one he deemed most worthy of a rewatch.

The movie starts with a perfume commercial of an opening where a man and woman dance in a fancy train car before the woman is kidnapped and the man has to fight a bunch of NPCs. This may have been a dream, it's unclear, but in reality he is a famous fighter who is kidnapped and thrown into a Thai prison that's basically a fight club. Why? Apparently he killed someone in a previous film and now they want him to fight his huge bear (as Erik dubbed him). When he refuses, he goes to prison where he meets Mike Tyson and Van Damme, now playing a different character who's blind and here to train him. Main character decides to do the fight after they kidnap his wife, the dancing lady from the intro. At one point the wife gets punched and sent to the hospital, but she's okay. Then the main guy fights the bear since he already agreed to do it. He wins. The end.

There's a lot of what including:

• A newspaper called "Nation International"
• A "Bad to the Bone" rip off blues song during a long fight sequence
• Words in subtitles being different colors and in bold for no reason
• Rapid fire cuts
• The crowd shouting "white warrior" to the main even though the bear is white too.
• The wife injecting the main with a mysterious syringe to wake up during the right.

So how was it? It was okay. It had some laughs, but it was definitely too long at over an hour and a half. I would recommend the first few minutes and a YouTube video of the dance they do before a Muay Thai match that was completely left out of this so-accurate film.

Spoon Rating: 4

REWATCH: Teen Witch [1989]

Today we rewatched "Teen Witch," that super relatable teen movie about how all your time spent as a conservatively dressed Latin club president geek will eventually pay off when you get godlike powers and make everyone is high school so obsessed with you that they choregraph dances in your honor and hold up signs outside your window. And you get to make out with the popular boy in various body-burying locals around town. One day.

Read my original review here and never be the same again.