The Witches [1990]

 Ew.

This movie, per Sarah's request, was mostly just a tool to traumatize Erik by showing him an example of what kid movies were like when the rest of us were kids. The plot is dreadfully simple. In a coastal English town, an American boy and his English grandmother stumble upon a convention of witches (not the hot kind) who turn him and another kid into mice. Wacky hijinks occur in which "hilarity" ensues as they try to solve the problem. It's all very gross and nightmare-inducing in the way that Roald Dahl books are. Angelica Huston eats all the scenery, and the overall acting is somewhere on the spectrum of bad stage acting meant to play to cheap seats. The time period is slightly ambiguous but feels older than the time it was made and the tone is not quite comical enough or not quite serious enough. At least we all learned that a stamp collector is also called a philatelist, which doesn't sound inappropriate at all. 

Spoon Rating: 3

An Anti-Halloween Special!

So instead of a movie, we watched a series of anti-Halloween videos: basically every one that Adam could find on YouTube. Below I will list all the videos with a few thoughts on each rather than a full review since the longest one is only 45 minutes and the shortest one is just over two minutes.

Pagan Invasion, Vol. 1 Halloween Trick Or Treat: This was the longest video. It had some fantastic bad graphics that made it seem like the hosts were presenting from a medieval castle, which was one of the most distinct qualities. The video had a really nice segment about druids with real information and interviews that made it hard for us to understand why we were supposed to view them as evil. There were also some other interviews with "former Satanists" who were clearly Christian actors by the bizarre details that don't resemble reality and the lack of actual trauma. Overall, there was some accurate historical information, but delivered in a fear-mongering way. It's pretty skippable.

Samhain Crazy Anti-Halloween Preacher: This very short video was hilarious and worth your time. Some guy is dressed as the devil and insisting that we need to liberate Chicago from him.

Should Christians Celebrate Halloween?: A man stands around recounting historical information about Halloween as an explanation for why you shouldn't celebrate it. The surprise at the end seems to be that he's a Jehovah's witness and he makes sure to drag a bunch of other sects of Christians on his way through his explanation. It's not really worth your time, but it sparked some fun stories from Sarah about weird rituals she had to do for religious holidays in middle school.

Should Christians Celebrate Halloween?: This is the very rare balanced Christian view on Halloween. In spite of the name being the same as the one above, this guy insists that celebrating Halloween is a personal decision for any Christian but that while celebrating you should avoid demonic things (although he doesn't give too many specifics since again, he's kind of leaving it up to the viewer). Too reasonable; no need to watch.

Former Satanist Warns Christians About Celebrating Halloween: This guy was a delight. Definitely watch this one. This man doesn't know the definition of "legally" so we all got the impression that Satan is going to steal our real estate and maybe be granted power of authority over us if we celebrate Halloween.

Halloween or HELLoween: This one was kind of funny because the oratory style and the video editing make it look like a school project. It even cites sources and two of the books referenced are ones Sarah owns and that she and Kay have read. Not sure if it would be your jam, but we enjoyed it.

ANTI HALLOWEEN: This video is in Spanish so we didn't watch the whole thing but the low budget editing and the overpowering and enjoyable soundtrack at least made us watch for a little out of amusement. Skip it, unless you speak Spanish well enough to make it worth it.

10 Reasons Why You Should NEVER Celebrate Halloween: This girl's video was actually inspired by the "Former Satanist" one. It's not as funny, but it has the same kind of strong I-know-what's-best energy. It's not really worth your time.

Next week we will return to our regular movie watching.

The Good Witch [2008]

We've had a hankering for some Hallmark, and it is spooky season so we were on the quest to find something that would allow us to scratch both itches at once. Ignoring all of those Hallmark movies that seemed to be more fall romance based, we ended up with "The Good Witch", the first film of what would ultimately become a huge film franchise and a television show. It really might be the season of the witch this year as we have plans to also watch "The Witches" on request of Sarah and do a rewatch of Kay's favorite nonsense 80s film "Teen Witch" before Samhain falls on us. We even may watch more "Good Witch" films, but it should be noted that this one was both not painful and also not especially funny. Mainly, we think this might be the best one and we would hope that the films would decrease in quality over time leading us to a funny place. We'll see.

This first film is about a widowed cop who encounters Cassie Nightingale (not a stripper), who has just moved into the spooky mansion in town. She is relentlessly positive, intuitive, and occasionally says things that are supposed to be whimsical but come off kind of creepy. She opens a shop in town called Bell, Book, and Candle even though she doesn't seem to sell bells and has very few books. Mostly she sells candles, herbs, oils, and crystals with the intent of bringing about good things. While she is referred to as a witch by others, any sign of actual witchiness is pretty muted. Think a combination of a few classic harmless stereotypes (black cat, old broom she never actually touches, old house, cauldron on the stove, dark clothes + large jewelry) and the kind of things New Age moms are into and add a dash of simply understanding how people work and you have Cassie's witchness. The film never strays into divination and especially not anything religious. Arguably, Kay is just as witchy as her if not more. But this doesn't stop the town Uber-Karen from trying to get her shop closed and run her out of town. On the side, Cassie and cop-dad have a very sanitized romance starting and since Cassie literally has the police on her side, she keeps her shop and place in town no problem. That's about it. She has a little backstory about how the spooky mansion is a family house, and both of the cop's kids have subplots about nightmares and bullying but overall there's very little to this film outside of aesthetic.

We got some laughs from the film, mostly from Cassie saying weird and occasionally ominous things or making strangely manipulative faces (mostly after cop-dad leaves), but otherwise it was just fine. As I said in the beginning, not painful but not a laugh riot. 

Best Quote: *after calming an angry dog* "I've always had a way with the fur people."

Spoon Rating: 3.5

REWATCH: Things [1989]

 We have just experienced "Things" again. Read my original review here.