Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter [2001]

Adam gave us a few options for tonight and Erik and Kay immediately insisted on "Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter" on the basis of an amazing name. It asks the question we've all had of, "What if Jesus had his second coming during an epidemic of vampire lesbian murders in Ottowa?" And the answer is of course, kick ass in the name of love.

We get an introduction with some metaphor about a home from a bearded man emerging  from the bushes, the source of all the best advice. After a techno laced intro credit sequence, we get a vampire lady draining a victim and then lamenting, "Where have all our lesbians gone?" The scene cuts to a punk priest reading about the missing lesbians and discussing this with a priest in robes who is concerned about these missing children of god. He goes with another priest to find Jesus on the beach, baptizing and then dunking a woman in the sea. A trio of vampire women show up to fight and both priests get killed. Jesus takes their bike into town while a weird song plays listing the books of the Bible. Jesus gets a haircut and performs a music number with some people. He meets up with the priest from the beginning who tells him that lesbians are dying around the city but the church isn't really willing to step in because homophobia. It's good to know Jesus is an ally. The "atheists" show up to fight Jesus in a veritable clown car and he fights them all off with more techno playing. When Jesus gets back to his place there's a woman named Mary Magnum who discusses her work hunting the vampires while they hang in a sauna. They go clothes shopping at a thrift store with a white owner who speaks in Rudy Rae Moore quotes and it's awkward. The duo trail a vampire lady to the hospital where a crazy surgeon is doing work  to make vampires immune to sun. They go to a Lesbian Drop-In Centre ('cause those exist), which has already been infested with vampires. Mary and Jesus fight a vampire duo and Mary gets feasted on while Jesus wanders the streets alone. He is rescued by a person who seemed to be an offensive caricature of a trans woman. God then talks to Jesus in his ice cream and he meets up with a luchador named Santos. They go to a club where a man scats about "Star Wars" and fight vampires there. After a brief chat with his mom, vampires break into Jesus' apartment and he has a showdown with them in a lot. Mary is saved and Jesus resurrects her vampire girlfriend, Maxine. Everyone is happy.

Overall, the movie was strange in a mostly fun way. On the awkward side there were some random bits that didn't fit. We get a random bi character named Maggie who is Santos' love interest but none of us remember her introduction at all. There's also a random lady whose butt gets groped everywhere she goes and this seems like it's supposed to be a joke. And then there's the suspected transphobic vibe and the weird shop owner. Aside from those things, there's a lot of good silly moments throughout and it's worth a watch.

Quotes: 
"We're running low on skin. I suggest we harvest another lesbian."

"There's nothing deviant about love."

Spoon Rating: 7