The Seven Magnificant Gladiators [1984]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

I'm pretty sure it's a written law of the universe somewhere that if something becomes popular and iconic enough there must be a crappy foreign remake of it. A few years ago we watched "Russian Terminator" which had absolutely nothing to do with the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie so perhaps it was just a marketing thing to name it that. But this movie? Not at all. This movie is a rip-off in the truest sense. They changed the setting to ancient Italy, got cheaper actors including Lou Ferrigno with someone else dubbing his voice and a girl who was in "Malibu Express", and just lifted the entire plot of "Magnificent Seven" which is already a remake of "Seven Samurai." This is the kind of commitment we look for in our movies.

What can I say about the plot really? Go watch "Seven Samurai" or "Magnificent Seven" and then imagine it with way less technique or writing skill and you've got the plot. Okay fine: A guy in a high-collared spandex unitard claiming to be a demi-God terrorizes a town. Some of the women of the town bring a magic sword into nearby towns trying to find someone manly enough to wield it and discover chariot racer (and also gladiator?) Lou Ferrigno. Together with a group of bar fighters and random dudes they find hanging around, they go to save the town. One guy is only in it for the potential of chicks. One guy joins because he seems to have nothing better to do. The one girl in the group is hoping there will be gold. Really there's just a lot of fighting, at one point a character who looks like a grown up Bam Bam from "The Flintstones" fights Joey Ramone and Slash and it's very special, and the town is saved even though three of the so-called gladiators died. 

Overall this movie is exactly what you except from a low budget ripoff. The costumes are hilarious (one ruler is wearing an outfit that looks like a second grader's class project to design a "pharaoh Pope"), the music is from the Renaissance era, the sets are just the actual ruins in Italy which, you know, wouldn't have been ruins at this time, and at one point we get the privilege of seeing someone's safety wire appear in a shot that makes it look like he was suddenly stabbed. Also, even though this was the time when Italy dubbed over all of their actors to save money, this didn't help the acting one bit and more than once it looked like someone was reading their lines over someone else's shoulder.

Quotes:
"I've been thinking about those women we're gonna fight for. I hope they're pretty enough to be worth saving."

"I've got a funny feeling."
"Really? Where?"

Adam's Grandma's Review: "Pretty good."

Also when Adam said "Pharaoh Pope" at one point it sounded like "Feral Pope" and we decided this is a bad movie that must be made so we can watch it.