Tammy And The T-Rex [1994]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

We had two potential selections for last Monday's movie, both of them "dinosaur with human qualities does stuff" themed. Unfortunately, the "dinosaur and human buddy cop" movie lost out to "well, it has Denise Richards and Paul Walker and . . . you know how in Rebo Cop a guy dies and his brain is kind of reused? That, essentially."

In a world were everyone who does a sport must only go to practice in a crop top, we meet our star-crossed lovers, popular cheerleader Tammy and slightly awkward and curiously unpopular football player Michael. Nothing could destroy this union born in a John Melloncamp song about the American dream except for maybe Tammy's super abusive biker "boyfriend" (I put that in quotes because I assume she tried/tries to break up with him but, well, abusive). All hope is shattered when what was supposed to be a night of teen sex turned into Michael getting attacked by the "boyfriend" and ending up in intensive care. He is proclaimed dead by a mad scientist and his assistant who have a particular use for his brain: to put it inside an automoton dinosaur they made, thereby Jurassic Park-ing stuff up and showing the potential for bodies that never die. No, the science is not in any way plausible even for a silly movie. So what does Michael do in his new body? Get revenge on the biker guy and his friends, trying to reveal his true identity to Tammy's GBF before hunting down Tammy herself to reveal what happened to him. The next twenty minutes are mostly Tammy and her GBF trying to find a human body for Michael and it's very Weekend at Bernie's. I'm sure you already guessed that Michael ends up killing the scientist but honestly, nothing will prepare you for how the "where do we put Michael's brain" problem is solved. If you don't want to bother watching the whole thing, consult the lovely Wikipedia plot summary. It is . . . shocking.

Quotes:

[Our new favorite thing to shout at each other] "I don't want to see you for the rest of my life EVER!"

[A cop on two witnesses of the dinosaur attack] "They're in shock. You're gonna hafta slap it out of 'em."

"Dead is as old as you're gonna get."

Adam's Grandma's Review: [long pause] "I don't know what to think of it . . . poor Michael."

NEWS: "The Room Actors: Where Are They Now? A Mockumentary" Kickstarter

Robyn Paris, who played Michelle in The Room, has a Kickstarter to raise money to make a mockmentary about what happened to The Room actors after starring in the best bad movie ever. They haven't reached their initial goal yet and the more they make, the bigger the project will be so think about contributing! At least go on the Kickstarter and watch the video they put together and read the Room themed contribution categories.

See? She chocolates us.

WolfCop [2014]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

Sometimes bad movies are a bit too self aware and try too hard to be ridiculous. This movie is trying rather hard to be a cult classic which seems to be a phenomenon that will come along more and more ever since the popularity of "Sharknado." Don't get me wrong; it was still entertaining and silly but with the increasing acceptability of enjoying bad movies, the genuine, unintentional bad movie might start to become a thing of the past since anyone unsatisfied with their finished product can just claim that it was supposed to be funny.

"WolfCop", yes that's the correct way to write it, takes place in a small hick Canadian town which has a yearly event called the "Drink and Shoot" which really says it all honestly. Of course, they also have a store called "Liquor Donuts" which Keith pointed out would be better named "Drunkin' Donuts". Our main character is a raging alcoholic cop who is constantly being asked to check up on the town conspiracy theorist and spends a lot of time trying to boink the bartender at the local watering hole. Until one day he ends up in the forest, blacks out, wakes up with an upside down pentagram on his chest, and later turns into a wolfman. Alcohol is a helluva drug. Since the conspiracy theorist is seemingly the only person who is chill with this change, they pimp a car and do some vigilante justice, as you do, before the wolfman gets laid by the bartender in a scene that makes most people look away and furries declare it the best movie ever. So why is any of this happening? Evil town ritual mostly everyone is in on that correlates with the solar eclipse. What else really?

Other fun things of note: this is the second time I've gotten to use the "penis birth" tag (I won't go into detail there), there's a character listed as "Pee Punk", and before the credits it said that "WolfCop II" would be coming in 2015. Quite confident. Unfortunately, I could not find a video of the theme song but that also exists.

Quotes:
"Hey, you got any books on devil worship?"

[on upside down pentagram symbols in the woods]
"Heavy metal?"
". . . Lead? . . . Mercury?"

Adam's Grandma's Review: "For bad movie night, bad."

Bats: Human Harvest [2007]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

Yesterday we again dipped into the wondrous renewable resource of bad movies known as the Sci-Fi channel. For the reference we didn't actually know that this was such a movie at the time; Sarah just picked it up at the Book Barn for a buck or two because the title was irresistible. However, there were plenty of tell-tale Sci-Fi channel signs: the shoddy CGI, the overly earnest acting, and the plot that managed to be summed up on Wikipedia with two short paragraphs. I could write a longer post on the movie right here.

In spite of the glorious title that evokes fond memories of "Birdemic: Shock And Terror", 90% of the movie seems to be shots of people in military garb running through the same patch of woods and occasionally shooting at other people with fake Russian accents. The meager plot is about an American army team and Russian CIA agent going into Chechnya to find a missing scientist. For no reason any of us can remember, this scientist went a little cuckoo and biologically engineered bats that are larger than regular bats (but not huge or anything), have camouflaging capabilities, and thirst for blood. Russians and Americans shoot each other for no reason and occasionally get picked up by a swarm of bats or have their hand ripped off by them (best scene in the movie). In the end, the loose cannon leader who doesn't play by the rules blows up the evil scientist, getting the scientist's bat resistant blood all over him and he saves the two remaining team members.

Unfortunately, the movie lacked harvesting of any kind and at a mere 87 minutes this movie should have gone by much quicker than it did but it was so boring most of the time that it felt like four hours. We even took an intermission to eat a variety of bat-shaped snacks.

Little Debbie's bat brownies, bats & bones candy from Barnes & Noble, and locally made chocolate-covered oreos and nonpareils. Also bat necklaces.

Cute spooky treats.

Waiting for the harvest, appropriately adorned

Quotes: "So many stories and they all have the same ending."

"You think I'll leave here without poppin' the doctor?"

Adam's Grandma's Review: "I liked it. It was long but it was good."

The Beast Of Yucca Flats [1961]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]



File this one under: "Movies We Are Baffled That They Aren't Directed By Ed Wood." The movie takes place in the fictional atomic bomb experimental area Yucca Flats which we kept pronouncing with a long U even though the voiceover say it with a short u like a 2-year-old describing a bad taste. Also, they are the most mountainous flats ever. A scientist, played by Tor Johnson of "Plan 9" fame, who escaped from "behind the Iron Curtain" goes there on a visit and ends up trying to avoid other men from "behind the Iron Curtain" who want to shoot him (only one gun ever fires with many of them out of frame with just the sound of a shot to indicate that anything happened). Somehow this leads to the commencement of stock footage of an atomic bomb which turns the scientist into a beast man who looks almost the same but with some scaly skin and a lust to kill everything. He strangles a couple in a car and chases two clueless city kids and then gets shot down by the desert police.

It's mostly just a lot of wandering through various terrain and strangling for no reason. It's the B-horror version of "Gerry" with an A-bombsploitation edge complete with ominous voiceovers waxing poetic about the wheels of justice/progress/technology. Garnish with implied necrophilia and the fastest "Time To Tit" so far of any film we've seen (literally it opens on boob) and this movie is not even worth its 54 minute run time. Bad movie history right here.

Quote: [voiceover] "It's 110 degrees in the shade . . . and there's no shade."

Adam's Grandma's review: [immediately after it ends] "What's the plot?"