Demons At The Door [2004]

This movie was hell, both literally and figuratively. It starts in Unnamed Islamic Nation with some archeologists (presumably) and a "terrorist" who is American before some military guys bust in and save them. One of them dramatically tears off his shirt and needs to get a new one. At this point, we thought the movie may have potential.

Apparently this thing the archeologists  were investigating was actually a door to hell and a bunch of demons get released. The next hour is just fighting demons coming out of drains who swear a lot while Nickelodeon slime pours everywhere and Insane Clown Posse music plays. Eventually we started to think the movie might actually be an attempt at comedy rather than gross-out horror, in the vein of Evil Dead, but it absolutely does not succeed. It gets stupider and less funny as it goes on. At the end our main shirt-ripper goes to hell and discovers that Satan is a little dog. Funny and clever. 

Do not waste your time.

Spoon Rating: 2

Kiss Meets The Phantom Of The Park [1978]

In order to cope with this Scooby Doo film meant for kids ages 10-13, we spend a good lot of the run time talking about better rock bands. It's not hard. While Kiss is unquestionably iconic, that is a title that comes from their look and their theatricality. Divorced from that, their music is quaint and unimpressive. It feels like rock meant for preteens before they get into heavier stuff like Black Sabbath or Led Zeppelin. Their "danger" is solely pretense and really they look like escapees from a queer BDSM club, a comic con, a furry con, and a Japanese print turned into a porno respectively. Even the name Kiss sounds more like a K-pop girl group than a rock band. When they played "Rock And Roll All Nite" Sarah realized that this was a Kiss song and she never realized. The point I'm making here is that any flack Kiss might have gotten for this schlocky cash grab film, probably should have been thrown at them earlier. They are not a serious band.

The plot has to do with an evil automaton/cyborg maker at an amusement park. A pretty girl loses her fiance who has been kidnapped by the evil scientist and Kiss are the only ones who help her. It takes 45 minutes or so before this plot even really starts though. Apparently Kiss all have magic powers that are loosely tied to their "things" (Simmons breaths fire for real, Stanley uses his star eye to spy, etc.). They have talismans that hold their powers and also their ability to make mediocre music. They get kidnapped eventually. They escape. We get a lot of concert footage and a scene of them all wearing wizard cloaks by a pool. Kiss make all the other actors look like Oscar winners. The effects are bad even for the time and the whole thing looks like it was shot on the worst cameras. 

As someone who wasn't alive in the 70s, I do have to ask if this kind of product was profitable. Kiss were big, but comparable to what I ask? Either way, it's hard to imagine even diehard fans defending this movie unless they are below the age of ten when they saw it. My favs could never, but also my favs would never.

Spoon Rating: 2

Wee Sing In The Big Rock Candy Mountain [1991]

Today we dove into Sarah's childhood again with this candy-colored acid trip. There's not much of a plot but there's a lot of public domain songs and a morale. Jade seemed to like it at least.

Our main kid is playing with her two friends but after they can't agree what to play, she decides to let them go off without her while she stays home and hallucinates for an hour with her two giant sentient teddy bears. They go down her slide into the rock candy mountain land that also has a Rasta ragdoll lion(?), a giant bird who speaks in idioms, and his My Little Pony translator. They hear from some mice about Bunny Fou Fou whacking them on the head, which will eventually become a thing. They sing a bunch of songs, watch a fly and bee puppet get married, eat lunch, look at clouds, and tell a lot of really bad jokes. Eventually Bunny Fou Fou is punished for assault with polka dots and crinkled ears. It turns out, he didn't want to play the games the mice did and they didn't want to play his games so he turned to violence. This is the lesson for our main who learns that sometimes you gotta do what you don't want to if you don't want to be left alone with your imagination. She returns to reality and consent to playing soccer with her neighbors.

This film wasn't funny per se, but it was engagingly weird.

Spoon Rating: 3

Cade: the tortured crossing [2023]

I didn't make a mistake with the capitalization in the title; that's just how it's written in the film. On the poster it doesn't even have the colon. 

This new film by Neil Breen is something of a sequel to 2019's Twisted Pair. I say something of a sequel because while it definitely features the twins - good Cade and bad Cale - it is a completely different story in every other way. Aesthetically, it is also quite different because while its predecessor took full advantage of free shooting locations like a local college and empty houses, this film is 100% CGI.  Every single scene has a CGI background with some real props to try to integrate the person into the scene. While we couldn't identify every single location, Cade is clearly seen getting hit by an Amsterdam tram in front of Centraal Station in the beginning, his castle home looks a lot like something you might see in the German or Eastern European countryside, and Adam wondered if the skyscraper footage came from somewhere in China. The "best" CGI is actually of Cade fighting a white tiger and the person who did the graphics for that got a shout out by name in the credits. The fight isn't significant and apparently they are actually friends and the tiger is really a busty woman dressed for a Ren Faire, but it's a memorable scene (with no point).

So the plot. Cade is a rich benefactor for a mental hospital but he makes a point of mentioning many times that he has never actually visited there. On an outing with some of the patients and two doctors, their SUV explodes or something and Cade appears to put them up in his giant castle. When they get back to the hospital we get more detail about how the hospital isn't really a hospital but part of a human trafficking and gene experiment organization with some evil corporate figureheads. Basically, ninjas kidnap people on the street (often the same people over and over because there are only so many actors in the world) and they are brought to the dingy hospital, which is clearly a crumbling church CGI, where the evil doctor experiments on them. The person really behind the crimes is Cale, who is running the experiments because his alien chip mentioned in the previous film doesn't work because the aliens rejected him and he is trying to find a work around. 

After a lot of repeating scenes, Cade starts to save the day. He trains the "patients" in fighting for justice with poor kicks and punches and dates the blonde doctor who has a change of heart about her job. Cale eventually comes to him with his face breaking down and begs for forgiveness and death so Cade summons a sword to kill him. I guess there won't be a third film? At least we got a completely random dance sequence of the "patients."

This film was pretty solid but it's not quite at the level of Fateful Findings (his best film) or Twisted Pair. I think the genuine effort to make the CGI work brings down the comedy a bit from the last film, and honestly, not letting him have use of CGI like in his early films would probably be to his benefit. 

Spoon Rating: 7