Thursday, January 21, 2016

Simon Sez [1999]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]


A fairly recently proposed improvement to the Bad Movie Night selections rules, of which at this moment there are technically none aside from having a general idea that it might be bad, is "no comedies." This isn't because we hate fun (only Adam hates fun) but because so often the movies that we watch that are advertised as being comedies are more painful than funny. Some of the must awful things we've had to sit through like "Christmas Vacation 2" and "Bucky Larson" were movies that were trying to be funny and were really bad at it. Alternatively, you also sometimes get comedies that are too self-awarely ridiculous like "WolfCop." What we want are movies that are funny because of a lack of self-awareness. This movie may not be as painful as the other ones mentioned but it does hold the distinction of having one of the most painfully unfunny people on the planet in it: Dane Cook.

The plot of this movie, which is kind of unnecessarily convoluted, was summed up in one sentence on Wikipedia as, "Interpol agent Simon goes on a mission in France to save a kidnapped girl and defeat an arms dealer." There. That's all you need to know. Most of the plot is rushed and nonsensical and the rest of the movie is padded out with weirdly long comedy bits by either Dane Cook, who mostly does impressions, or two friars whose devotion is definitely questionable or with long action sequences that almost always have visible wires. There are a couple gloriously bad bits of CGI, one where Dennis Rodman and Dane Cook are in a car with a parachute and one where Dennis Rodman is being a cool guy who doesn't look at the really fake fire behind him. There's also a scene where Rodman and the required female character fight each other naked and then she hits a button and they are suddenly in a rave bedroom listening to 90s pulse while getting their swerve on. Oh, and the villain is ambiguously-accented Grade A ham. That's all. You're better off focusing on the lovely setting than anything having to do with the plot or characters. Have some pictures:

I totally believe they're there.

Dennis Rodman's face speaks for the audience.

Dane Cook's dinosaur impression. Painful.

Sure. That's a fire.

Odd Credit: "Cleaning Lady - Fatty"

Spoon Rating: 1

Adam's Grandma's Review: "There were certain parts I liked."

1 comment:

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