From Justin To Kelly [2003]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

There's a valuable lesson to be learned from this movie: Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should. In fact, if ever you find yourself thinking that doing something questionable might be a great idea if it turns a profit, you should really assess the situation. "American Idol" was a hugely successful television show (is it still on or have the kids all turned to "X Factor" and "The Voice"?) back in its first season so, of course, there was a push to capitalize on this success in every way possible which ended in a pile of flames with this movie. Written by Kim Fuller, the human responsible for inflicting "Spice World" on us and possible relation to "American Idol" creator Simon Fuller, and directed by the human who directed "She's All That", this movie reeks of the 90s in spite of being made in 2003. It is also void of a main plot, quotable lines, or memorable songs (titles include "Anytime", "Timeless", "Wish Upon A Star", "It's Meant To Be", "Forever Part Of Me", etc. on the blandness). But at least there's . . . dancing?! I don't know.

Since this movie had even less main plot than "The Baby Sitter's Club" it's best to talk about it subplot by subplot. Justin and his two friends are spring break event organizers. Perpetually Shirtless Friend is a slimeball who keeps getting tickets from Hot Cop thereby losing any event money he makes but they hook up at the very end so it's okay. Nerdy Friend is trying to hunt down a girl he met in a Xena chat room but they just keep missing each other until the very end in which they hook up. Kelly and her two friends are spring breakers. Smart Minority Friend has a romance with Older Busboy Man that is more believable and interesting than the main romance although she does foolishly lose him his job but in the very end he forgives her and they hook up again. Unreasonable Bitch Friend spends the whole movie trying to break up Justin and Kelly but not necessarily because she wants Justin but because she is jealous of Kelly's "nice girl charm." Right. Either way at the very end neither of Bitch Friend's two friends has kicked her ass to the curb as they should and she's seen dancing with some dude she probably hooks up with so apparently evil has no consequences. As for our title characters, they dance for two seconds which is apparently all true love needs and then she saves him from a bunch of angry girls and suddenly they know everything about each other so they sing a love song on a boat where they aren't even looking at each other. And their love lasted forever until she had to go back home to Texas. Presumably.

Best Scene: There wasn't really a memorable line but there was a memorable scene. Nerdy Friend is in the hotel room when this beefy dude breaks in determined to beat him up because he thinks he stole his girlfriend. Nerd tries to talk him out of it by saying that if he thinks his girlfriend is cheating, he should be having a conversation about it with her. The guy calms down and asks Nerd if he wants to get a drink and talk more about their feelings. Nerd agrees but does question, "This goes no further than friendship, right?"

Adam's Grandma's Review: "I didn't like it. It was boring." (We think she's lying. She seemed way more invested than any of us were.)

To get an idea of the PG fun that ensued, we had a video of one of the numerous beach party scenes with "Hanging Out With The Family" from "Birdemic" over it but Fox blocked the video so you'll just have to imagine it. This might also mark the first time in history someone actually claimed responsibility for this film.

Hobgoblins [1987]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

 

Finally my "It's the 80s. Let's do a bunch of coke and vote for Ronald Regan" joke can be used in the original context: "Mystery Science Theater 3000"'s episode of "Hobgoblins," the most transparent rip-off of "Gremlins" that Rick Sloane, the director, writer, and producer, could conceive. And this movie is very 80s from the see-through skirts with leggings to the video game music they rock out to to the 80s version of the five man band cast consisting of the bumbling hero who is insecure about his masculinity, his librarian-looking girlfriend who is not helping, the jock who just got back from basic training, the slutty chick with the hair scrunchies who he's boinking, and the geek who calls phone sex lines from the hero's house (okay that last one is weirdly specific but there is always a geek).

The bumbling hero gets a job as a security guard of an empty studio lot where he works alongside an even more bumbling old man who has worked there 30 years. One day he goes into this curiously unlocked vault and accidentally released the hobgoblins which are essentially gremlins who make you hallucinate your fantasies before killing you with them. Slow motion golf cart chase scenes to dramatic music ensue. The hobgoblins go to the hero's house where first the geek imagines that the woman at the phone sex line shows up and wants him to take her to Reputation Point (which has designated areas for "Kissing Only" and "All The Way") where she tries to push his car over the cliff. Then the hero's librarian girlfriend goes missing and they end up following her to Club Scum where she does a striptease and then tries to have sex with a smarmy bouncer because I guess her fantasy is being objectified by street cat callers and venereal diseases. In the middle of the club the hobgoblins arrive and the jock's fantasy of becoming Rambo comes alive and he throws himself on a grenade which sets him on fire instead of sending pieces of him everywhere. The hero saves the day (his fantasy) after being attacked by a dude with nun-chucks he has no idea how to use and the jock inexplicably lives with barely any injuries. The movie ends with the jock and his skanky girlfriend humping in a van with comical sound effects for the second time while the geek asks the ending line, "Excuse me, can I borrow your phone?" Art.

If all the faux sexy jokes and furry terror doesn't do much for you there is a moment when the world famous because of this movie band The Fontanelles played a song at Club Scum. To me they sound like a poor combination of Bauhaus and Soft Cell. Such 80s. So synth. Wow. Also, lengthy, pointless fighting with a rake and a hoe (literally; not the jock and his girlfriend).

Quotes:

"A motorcycle is like the world's largest vibrator."

"What's all that screaming?"

"That's me faking my orgasm for you."

[after end credits]

"Please remain seated until the movie comes to a complete stop."

Adam's Grandma's Review: "Terrible. Bad, bad, bad movie."

The Happening [2008]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

Oh, M. Night Shyamalan. I'm not sure if there's ever been a director who started out a career on such a promising high note only to become a name synonymous with bad movies. After two good movies and then a steady decline into bad, "The Happening" marks the moment his films went from "not good" to "amazingly terrible". After this he directed "Avatar: The Last Airbender", which united fans of the television show with first time watchers in mutual hatred, and "After Earth", one of, if not the most, panned movie of 2013 with the surprising twist that M. Night Shyamalan directed it (he really managed to keep that one secret; oh, uh, spoiler alert). While either of those are perfect candidates for a Bad Movie Night, I doubt they could compare in sheer hilarity to "The Happening."

"The Happening" is when people suddenly start feeling the need to kill themselves and it starts in large populations, moving on to smaller and smaller groups. It is caused by some airborne toxin but no one really understands it and they make a point of foreshadowing that. We follow Elliot and his somewhat estranged wife Alma as they spontaneously get custody of Elliot's friend's daughter and wander around Pennsyltucky, not really sure how to protect themselves from the trees. They encounter a hippie and his wife who are really passionate about hot dogs, an MP private who swears with the phrase "cheese and crackers!", and two weirdly confrontational middle schoolers. The main event, however, is when they end up at the house of a crazy old lady who doesn't believe in electricity and asks deadpan questions like "Why you eyein' my lemon drink?" and "Planning on murdering me in my sleep, are you?" while still inviting them for dinner and offering a room. This movie was a unanimously voted future rewatch,

While you are watching the movie, it's easy to get hung up on how terrible the acting is as most lines are delivered with no feeling (Mark Wahlberg) or entirely too much feeling (John "DON'T TAKE MY DAUGHTER'S HAND UNLESS YOU MEAN IT" Leguizamo) but if you look past that it's pretty clear that the true enemy is the script which is full of unfathomable lines no one actually says in real life, nonsensical plot points, and aimlessness. You wouldn't care about your acting either. 

Other Quotes:
(while watching a video of lions ripping off a man's arms) "What kind of terrorists are these?"

Adam's Grandma's Review: "It was good. I liked it."