Beowulf [2007]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

Blame Kay for this one. The original goal of the evening had been to watch a wildly anti-Semetic Christian movie Sarah heard about on a podcast but, in the absense of the internet, Kay had another suggestion. The possibility of watching "Beowulf" had been a vague threat for years but with the fact that Kay is currently teaching the poem to a bunch of high school seniors it made perfect sense to suck it up and finally watch this beast. Before getting into the plot, it should be noted that one of the absolute worst things about this movie is apparent immediately and actually caused Sarah to stop watching this movie after five minutes when she tried to watch it a few years ago: this movie is animated and it looks terrible. All the characters are made to look like the actors but with dead eyes and a lack of expression. This movie lives in the uncanny valley. It was also clearly made to be 3D so random things are thrown at the screen constantly.

If you've read the poem before, think that times 100 Hollywoods. Hrothgar, king of the Danes, has a slight problem with an unholy demon named Grendel, played by a burnt Crispin Glover, who breaks into his mead hall and eats a bunch of his warriors. Thankfully, Beowulf, the awesomest guy ever oh my god, lives just across the way in Geatland and comes to his aid. He decides to fight Grendel barehanded (and naked for some reason) because GLORY. Unfreth, a hater played by the ultimate hater John Malkovich, is unconvinced. After offing Grendel and proving he's the real deal, Baewulf ventures into Grendel's lair to fight Grendel's mother who for some reason has been reimagined from a hag into a naked, gold-covered Angelina Jolie. They bang so he can make up for killing her son by giving her a new son and she promises a kingdom in return. The terms of the deal are a bit sketchy but he doesn't really think about it until Hrothgar falls comically to his death and he becomes the new king. A few decades later when Beowulf is older but still banging a teenager in addition to Hrothgar's former wife, a dragon attacks who was the result of him banging Grendel's mom. He kills it and dies in the process. Wiglaf, the loyalest bro in history, weeps. 

This movie was very obviously made in a post-"300" world. Beowulf says, "I am Beowulf" at least five times which lead all of us to an "I'm Spartacus!"-like frenzy. It's very silly and will make you cringe if you know the original but it's not without some enjoyable moments once you get past the early Playstation Two graphics and obvious 3D pandering moments.

BMN Quotes:
Unferth: "I don't like the smell of this, my lord."
Keith: "Something's rotten in Denmark."

Quotes:
*Hrothgar blatantly falls off the railing*
"He must have fallen!"

Adam's Grandma's Review: "It was okay."

Spoon Rating: 4