The Neighbors: Episode One [2015]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

Since 2007, Tommy Wiseau has been trying to make a television series about a bunch of people living together in an apartment building but had not managed to for various reasons until now and oh, it is everything you would expect and more. Not only does it have Wiseau's trademark ridiculous dialogue, unlikely, nonsensical plots, ear-wormy public domain music, and re-establishing shots, it actually has much, much lower production value and worse acting than "The Room." Now with even fewer clothes.

There isn't really a plot; just a bunch of people shouting at each other and acting out the first three minutes of a porno. There was a slight consistent thread about mentioning a chicken but otherwise, I've got nothing so instead I'll just tell you what each character did. I had to rewatch most of the episode to get the names so I hope this is appreciated.

• Charlie is one of the landlords. He is played by Wiseau in a short, black, new wave wig.
• Bebe is the other landlord. She doesn't seem to care about procedure and just let's people get away with stuff if they seem nice. These two characters are essentially indistinguishable except by Wiseau's crazy accent.
• Tim, the Denny, constantly asks them for $20 and plays basketball all the time. He has Cici's chicken, Fifi.
• Troy is a stoner who apparently sells guns.
• Richard has plans to kill himself if he doesn't get a job soon. Then he flirts with Philadelphia.
• Philadelphia constantly wears a bikini even while making chicken. Screw the likelihood of burning yourself.
• The "Asian MF" blames the "black rapper guy" for hogging the wifi. It comes off racist.
• The "black rapper guy" hates that the "Asian MF" for supposedly being bisexual and claims he also screws chickens. It comes off homophobic.
• Ed is the repair man who wears wifebeaters and Tommy Wiseau brand underwear.
• Mariana screws Ed on the washing machines. This is a thing they do.
• Ricky Rick is Tommy Wiseau in a blonde wig and letterman jacket.
• Lula is Ricky Rick's (seemingly reluctant) girlfriend who wants a gun for their anniversary and hypnotizes Troy into giving it to her for free. She's clearly a witch.
• Don comes to Charlie and Bebe with the fact that he has a crush on some guy named Patrick but insists he isn't gay.
• Monica is Don's pregnant wife who wants a divorce after hearing of the secret crush. Charlie and Bebe seem surprised that she's pregnant in spite of it clearly being her third trimester.
• CiCi never stops shouting at people to give her back her chicken.
• Pink Dress girl (possibly Patricia or Anna) ordered a pizza to be delivered.
• Her roommate (possibly Patricia or Anna) wears a bikini and pays for the pizza with money hidden in it.
• Joe is the pizza guy who gets an apartment there after seeing the porno potential with this living arrangement.

As with "The Room" there are too many lines to pick out specific quotes but there is one scene in particular that killed Adam and Kay. After being hypnotized by Lula, Troy freaks out initially saying, "I'm so stupid" and then the scene cuts to him screaming three times, each time more melodramatic than the first. Then on the fourth cut, he is just sitting there and says calmly, "I'm okay" as if nothing happened.

Keith: "There are no bigger narcissists that we know than Cool Cat and Tommy Wiseau."
Kay: "That's almost Shakespearian."
Adam: "Never was there a tale of more woe than that of Cool Cat and Tommy Wiseau."

Adam's Grandma's Review: "It was too much."