Santa With Muscles [1996]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

The movie for Monday was going to be "Barbarella" but as Kay had seen it and couldn't decide if it was sufficently funny enough and because we are now into December where we can really take advantage of all the bad Christmas movies in existance, we switched to this film. Aside from the irresistable title, the film stars a pre-hair loss Hulk Hogan and a pre-fame Mila Kunis. Adam compared the tone of the film to "Undercover Blues" which is honestly really indicative of what kind of kid's movies were made in the 90s: the good guys beat people up happily and the bad guys are bumbling idiots who can be easily taken down by children.

Hogan plays Blake Thorne, a gajillionaire who likes to fight his staff for fun (with their consent), stage city-wide paintball games, market his health food products, and generally act like a man child with little regard for anything. While escaping the cops, he runs into a mall and puts on a Santa costume to disguise himself but he gets knocked unconscious and an elf who stole his wallet tells him he is Santa. He fumbles through his mall Santa duties but ends up earning fame as "Santa with muscles" when he beats up two sanatized-for-kids, 90s-era thugs (one was wearing a DARE shirt) who tried to steal donations to the town orphanage. Santa!Thorne visits the orphanage and finds out that evil germaphobic gajillionaire Mr. Frost wants to shut it down for some reason. Mila Kunis, one of the three kids still there, pimps out the Santa costume and they try to stop Mr. Frost and his evil henchmen. It turns out that in a vault in the catacombs of the orphanage, also the kid's clubhouse, there's a room full of electric crystals that are also bombs and Frost wants them. Thorne lightsaber fights Mr. Frost with them in the final battle. It's awful. Also, Thorne was an orphan there once and after the place gets blown up and the bad guys are defeated, they turn Frost's mansion into a new orphanage.

Aside from one scene about angels in a church and the obvious presence of a Santa costume, this movie really lacks Christmas. It also lacks any realistic characters, clever jokes, or good writing. But what it does have is a slow motion scene of Hulk Hogan drinking milk while "Thus Spoke Zarathustra" plays and it makes the whole thing worth it.

Here Adam has painstakingly captured the whole thing for you to save your time:

Quotes:
"I'm not gonna let this guy get away with Santa fraud."

"Santa, you sleigh me!"

"You're not really Santa Claus, are you?"
"No. I just thought I was for a while."

Adam's Grandma's Review: "Not bad."