Robot Monster [1953]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

It has been a while since we saw an old sci-fi movie which is a shame because they are Keith's favorite in the bad movie canon. Amusingly, we all genuinely thought this was an Ed Wood movie based on the title and, well, pretty much everything about the production. We actually found it curious that Bela Lugosi wasn't in it. Alas, the movie is actually directed by a guy named Phil Tucker and it was originally in three glorious dimensions which we could only hope made this hilarious movie even funnier. 

The movie starts with two kids, a brother and sister, talking to two scientists, one young and one foreign, in a cave before we are treated to a total non-sequitur of a scene of alligators wrestling each other (one with a fin taped to its back) and a few brief shots of dinosaurs. Then we see the robot monster emerge from the now empty cave, a monster that is half gorilla suit and half stereotypical space helmet. In a conversation with his boss man using rabbit ears and a bubble machine on some old equipment someone found in a dumpster we find out that all the humans have been destroyed but eight: the two kids from earlier, their scientist older sister, their mom, her foreign scientist husband who was in the cave in the beginning, the younger scientist from the beginning, and two dudes on a space station thing. He wants to destroy them all. Because he hates human emotions or wanted to neutralize a potential threat before they attacked him or something. The eight are immune to the ro-man's (yes, that's what he's called) death rays because half of them are scientists and they made a serum to protect themselves. The two in space are blown up and the oldest daughter comes up with a plan that involves a vaguely sexual wiring scene with the younger scientist that helps nothing. After seeing her on 1950s Skype, Ro-man wants the older sister to come to see him but the little boy sneaks off to reason with him instead and accidentally reveals all their secrets.Then there's an intermission. . . in an hour long movie. Back to the film, the two young hot scientists fall in love and the dude one has an unnecessary shirtless scene. They make out in the grass and decide to marry. The little sister gets strangled to death by Ro-man, the older sister gets kidnapped, and her new husband gets killed. Ro-man has a conflict of not wanting to kill the older sister (why do aliens always think humans are bangable? So human-centric) and so his boss kills him and destroys the world. More shots (okay, the same shots) of alligators and dinosaurs and SURPRISE. It was all a dream in the little boy's mind. What. The. Fu-

This was an instant classic. Everything was perfect bad movie quality. The acting was odd, it was full of ridiculous quotes (see below), the direction was flat, and editing was full of recycled shots and weird errors. At one point electricity on a wire stopped moving and we had to play it again. In fact, we stopped this movie a lot to laugh or replay quotes. 10/10, would robo again.

Quotes:
"I want facts, not words!"

"For the first time in my life I am unsure."
"You sound like a hu-man!"

"You're so bossy you outta be milked before you come home."

"You know something? You're either too beautiful to be so smart or too smart to be so beautiful."

"Do you realize what you tried to do was impossible and you almost did it?"
"But I didn't."

"Calculate your chances . . . negative . . . negative . . . negative."

"I think you're just a big bully picking on people smaller than you."
"Now I will kill you."

"I cannot but I must. How do you calculate that?"

Adam's Grandma's Review: "It was good. Funny."