Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Hercules In New York [1969]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

Inspired by last week's "dubbed body builder in a low budget film", we decided to watch another one! Although we've seen plenty of movies featuring, say, Van Damme, we had yet to see a Schwarzenegger film (well, other than "Batman & Robin" but he wasn't the star of that one) and it was about time for that to be rectified. He was only a 22-year-old unknown when this movie was made and because of his accent, he was dubbed over by some other guy. Apparently there is a version where you can hear his real voice (Adam kept insisting there was and the internet confirmed it) but we ended up with the original dubbed one.

In "Antique Greece", Hercules is a whiny and arrogant demi-God who wants to chill with the lesser beings so Zeus sends him down to earth which somehow means New York in the late 60s. After terrifying (and possibly arousing) an old lady on a plane by flying outside it and then getting picked up by some sailors and refusing to do any work on the ship, he meets a New York stereotype who sells pretzels named, wait for it, Pretzey. Herc and Pretzey stumble on some college guys doing athletic stuff so Herc decides to show off and this somehow earns them an invite to some rich people's house. The daughter of the house ignores her puny boyfriend in favor of going out with Hercules and we get to see him wrestle a man in a bear suit of Ed Wood level quality. Meanwhile, Pretzey signs over Hercules' soul to some guys who will break his thumbs if he doesn't comply and Hercules ends up becoming a famous wrestler or something. He picks up heavy things and puts them down, progressively trying to pick up heavier things than his opponent. All is pretty swell for Hercules until Zeus decides he's an embarassment and sends Mercury to try to get Herc to stop partying and go home. When he says no, Juno, suddenly remembering that she hates him, decides to rid him of his strength with the help of Nemesis and Pluto (Greek and Roman names are interchangable in this movie). Zeus finds out and fixes everything and after Herc comes home, Zeus decides to peace for the mortal world himself with no lessons learned.

This movie is pretty spectacular. There's pretty much always something weird happening with the only explanation being Arnold's character shouting out "I AM HERCULES" in a flat but loud voice. There's also plenty of cheese to go with that ham with scenes like Hercules stealing a horse drawn carriage, Pluto entering New York via the depths of the subway, and the scene where he fights a bear which is worth seeking out if you want a laugh. All in all, yes, Arnold is right to be ashamed.


"When myth and history combine into mystery . . ."

"That's just for college guys. You're not allowed."

"Watch your talk."
"I can hear my talk. I can't watch it."

[On seeing a poster for a Hercules movie]
"He doesn't even look like me. Look!" *rips off shirt*

Adam's Grandma's Review: [enthusiastically and without being asked] "It was good!"

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