Here's a secret that is now out in the open: during our viewing of "Howard The Duck" we took a break and when Adam and Sarah were out of the room, Kay, with full approval from Keith and Adam's grandma, changed the speed of the video from 1 to 1.1 in order to end the movie slightly faster. They didn't notice. This is worth mentioning because this is a movie that is so slow, it can be watched easily at 1.5 speed or even faster without anything being effected. And it was even 15 minutes over the assumed hour and a half requirement for the length of movies."Cremains" works off of what could be a good concept: it has a framing narrative structure with one main horror story and four mini horror stories. Too bad it was filmed in someone's basement using cameras from the early 90s, there was apparently no script writer, and the actors where probably gathered from the random Mississippi town it was filmed in. The main plot is about the interrogation of a crematory operator (or funeral director; the movie didn't seem to know the difference) who is being accused of burning the body of a serial killer at the same time as the body of a child. In between questions about this case, he is asked to tell stories about random crimes for some reason. The movie opens on the first of the mini-stories: a women in S&M gear who doesn't want to be tied up gets stabbed in the eye by her kidnapper. From there you have a town where every year one is chosen to die by snake bite, a murderer who finds his victims by running a suicide helpline (their word, not mine) for teens, and a lesbian vampire story that is less "Carmilla" and more "we needed an excuse to show a naked girl on top of another girl." The main plot is given focus at the end when the mother of the small child calls on a stereotype witch to resurrect her dead child from its ashes and a horrible being called the Cremainder is created instead. More murder occurs.
In spite of the fact that Adam literally tried to bail on this movie, it wasn't the absolute worst we've ever sat through. In terms of production, it was probably only slightly better than "Crazy Fat Ethel 2" which may very well have been the worst but the plot was more tolerable than plenty of things we've seen. The pacing though was only slightly better than "Gerry" and at the very least that movie was pretty to look at. Some caffeine would have been welcome. Amusingly enough, inside the DVD case of this movie was an advert for movies made by a company called Seduction Cinema which offered such classics as "Dinosaur Valley Girls", "G-String Vampire", and "Satan's School For Lust." Perhaps instead of this movie you'd prefer horror porn?
BMN Quotes:
(on the witch's super Halloween-y house)
Kay: It's so tacky!
Sarah: You want it, don't you?
Kay: . . . I want like, half of it.
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