Dracula 3000 [2004]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

Have you ever watched "Alien" and thought, "Well, this is good and all but I would much rather watch vampires than aliens and with less skilled execution?" All your dreams are about to come true now. Thankfully, we were prepared for our movie experience by eating garlic bread with dinner.

In a voiceover narration with character files reminiscent of a video game the main character Van Helsing, played by the blandly good-looking Casper Van Dien who was only ever in two decent movies, tells you who his crew is so as not to burden you with character development. There's the unfriendly blonde girl who is totally not an android, the large black guy who sexually harasses the female crew, the smart British guy in a wheelchair, the Russian girl who is still in space school, and Coolio, who is mostly just high all the time. They go in to explore an abandoned ship and the ship they arrived in drove away, as ships are apparently wont to do, leaving them stuck on this mysterious vessel. In between "action" the movie shows Skyped in scenes of Udo Kier talking about disasters on a ship so he can get a paycheck without having to put on pants. Finally the crew discovers a room of coffins full of sand, Coolio bleeds into one of them, and gets bitten by a vampire in a comically high-collared cape named Orlock. Then the movie mostly turns into a game of "Who has been bitten?" and "How do we kill these things?" Van Helsing, Coolio, British guy, and Russian girl all get changed by the Count in the dumb cape and killed by their crew once they figure out how to do it. Then all that remains are the Blonde android and the Big guy, a ship they can't pilot, and a bunch of vampires. The Blonde reveals that she is a pleasure bot and they go off to boink while the ship blows up, killing everything. Happy ending!

Considering "Holy Terror" and "Mutant Chronicles", this was easily one of the best Book Barn finds we've had in a while. The audio didn't match up for a large portion of the movie, all the vampires made silly faces, the plot was a blatant rip off, and the ending was bonkers. Pass me some more garlic bread.

Quotes:

"Sweet Jesus" [camera pans out to show a room of crosses]

"What's a vampire?"

"It's sort of like a man but far more evil if you can imagine that."

Also, imagine what "titty fuck" sounds like with a posh British accent.