Sometimes before we watch a movie we do a little pre-show. It could be anything really but is often a funny YouTube video someone found recently or a bad music video. This time we watched two videos of the director of this movie, Uwe Boll, shouting about stuff. In the first he ranted about Hollywood, calling out specific actors and films and using a lot of offensive language including racist comments and "retard". In the second he tells his fans (all three of them?) to go to hell for not donating enough money to his Kickstarter to make "Rampage 3". This winner of a human made this film.To get personal for a moment, as someone who knows a fair amount about the history of fashion, if a movie doesn't tell me when it takes place, I can usually figure it out within a decade what time period it is by the clothes they are wearing. I can sometimes even figure out the place by the clothes and architecture. That being said, according to IMDb this movie takes place in 1700s Romania and I call shenanigans. Throughout the whole movie Adam and I were completely distracted by the fact that the men were either wearing the 1700s as interpreted by a costume supply store or vaguely Medieval LARPing attire. This is vastly superior to the women who were either wearing late Victorian era dresses or rave attire purchased from Hot Topic or Forever 21 in 2005 (Adam renamed the movie "Bloodrave"). On top of that, half the characters had terrible wigs and the anachronisms didn't end there. This verse also contains modern pianos and covered wagons that make you want to travel the Oregon trail that are many decades out of time. Also, unrelated, but the vampire faces are totally ripped off from "Buffy."
I guess I should talk about the plot but it's really not even worth it. Rayne is a dhampir, half vampire and half human, and she escapes from a carnival where she is a freak on display to go hunt vampires since Big Bad vampire father (played by a Ben Kingsley puppet since it was cheaper to make a puppet of him than to pay him to show up) raped and killed her mother. She has many video game-esque adventures including having to go through secret rooms in a monastery to get special vampire eyes (the head monk is played by Udo Kier making this our second Udo Kier vampire movie in a row) and getting kidnapped and offered to vamp!Meat Loaf for his harem. After much fighting with really blunt swords, she ends up with a gang of vampire hunters and really randomly bangs one of the guys in the group so there can be a sequel baby. She finds a special vampire heart, Michelle Rodriguez betrays them or something, the Big Bad is defeated, and Rayne takes the throne of Super Vamp.
The weirdest part about this movie though, aside from the fact that so much money was spent on it, so many people agreed to be in it, and everything mentioned in the second paragraph, is the way it ended. After Rayne takes the throne you think the film is going to just end but instead there are a ton of flashbacks of random slow-motion scenes of violence through out the film. No reason; just all the bloodiest and goriest scenes played again in slow motion so you can see how very fake they look. My suggestion that this was some Brechtian "alienating the audience so they reflect more on the themes than the fantasy" move was not well received. A secret genius, Boll is not. A talentless hack, Boll is indeed.
Have some Loaf:
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