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We've got another "worst movies ever" list topper with a solid 0% on Rotten Tomatoes for you this evening. Every Steven Segal movie in the world back to back would not feel as tedious or have as much pointless action as the hour and 31 minutes we endured watching "Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever." Michael Bay wishes he had this many explosions in his films but probably has at least one person near him telling him it might be a bit excessive. I guess this is what you get for letting a guy going by the monkier of "Kaos" direct your movie.
I can barely even describe this move since only about five minutes of the entire thing had dialogue and some sembalance of plot which only Sarah seemed to half follow and then had to explain to the rest of us. This is what we could manage to decipher: In a world of flapping black trench coats, Sever flips her hair and then kidnaps some women's kid and keeps him in a rather cozy cage with Hostess cupcakes while fighting against the kid's father, Kant, by destroying an industrial park with bullets. Ecks is brought in to fight Sever (we think) but learns that his wife is still alive and the kidnapped kid is actually his and that Kant made him think his wife was dead for some reason and therefore ex-Ecks wife. Also Kant killed Sever's family so she hates him. It doesn't take long for the movie to go from Ecks vs. Sever to Ecks and Sever vs. Kant. Also there's something about microbots that can be put in someone's body for later biological warfare. In the words of Harley Quinn "Why don't ya just shoot 'im?". Truthfully though, they did try in the Stormtrooper, no-aim-whatsoever kind of way. The movie is mostly just flying bullets, exploding cars, fight choreography peppered with random pauses and poses, and guns that shoot things they can't actually shoot all set to a score and soundtrack that was probably burned onto a CD with "Badass Mix #5" Sharpied on it.
Summarizing Quote: "Situation out of hand."
Adam's Grandma's Review: "Okay."
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