Future War [1997]

Have you ever through that combining The Terminator with Jurassic Park starring Jean-Claude Van Damme would be the best movie ever? Someone did and the result is Future War. They couldn't actually afford Van Damme but they did manage to get a knockoff Van Damme to be our protagonist and an actual Robert Z'Dar to play a cyborg.

The movie stars in medias res with basically no clear context for what is actually going on except that everyone is wearing a lot of plaid so it's definitely the 90s or possibly just rural Canada. We get a bit of a vague voiceover from the token female character and then we get screen text that confusingly tells us that cyborgs from another planet have gone back in time to get dinosaurs and also to enslave humans. One human slave has managed to get to earth, as well as some dinosaurs and cyborgs, and he's our hero. He encounters a nun who's a former prostitute and drug dealer who's having a crisis of faith. The rest of the film is really just them and a few others fighting dinos and cyborgs. 

The film is overall not the worst. The dinosaurs look hilarious and a lot of the props do too. One guy uses a camera made out of a painted cardboard box. The acting is pretty terrible, and there were a few times when reactions or movements were so weird that we had to watch them again. The movie also isn't too long at only an hour and 20 minutes. It's not worth your time, but it wasn't too painful.

Spoon Rating: 3

If you want to talk pain, after the film we decided to do a taste test of different "healthy" Oreo knockoffs.

 

To save you some time:

• The Leos and Highkey were the best with ratings of 12/15 but for different reasons. The Leos were most consistent but the Highkey had the best cream and dunkability.
• The Catalina Crunch were okay at 11/15.
• The Protifit were pretty bad at 8/15 but they had a distinct coffee taste that might appeal to some.
• The Smart Cookies weren't even finished by some of us and tasted like a worse version of the Protifit with a 5/15.
• And the Complete Cremes were absolutely unpalatable with a 3/15. They were torture.
• Our control group of Oreos were obviously a 15/15, but they are objectively not good for you.