Two households both alike in dignity, in fair South Dakota where we lay our scene, from ancient grudge break to new community, where everyone loves Jesus now so our sins are washed clean. Yes. It has finally happened. After weeks of trying to find it online, attempts to order it directly from the website it's sold on and finding that none of the links actually worked, and then finally setting on a fairly reasonable price on eBay, we have gotten it: "The Unexpected Bar Mitzvah." And this movie delivered. It was one of those perfectly bad movies where the production value is not terrible but still makes it look like a home movie with a decent camera, the acting is bad but the actors are really trying, and the script is just insane while trying to be as earnest as possible. Truely these are the elements of the best kind of bad movie: the movie that tries so, so hard to be good, but is off in every way. With this one you can also throw in a hefty dose of preachiness and anti-Semitism to really round out the film. Talking about it won't do it justice but here it goes.
A conservative Jewish stereotype dad takes a college professor job in South Dakota where his family must live next to his very Christian boss and his family. They both have sons (Abraham and Paul) of about the same age who love Tim Tebow and Harry Potter and they become friends. The Jewish father gives his son books on the Holocaust and talks to him about preparing for his Bar Mitzvah. The Christian father gives his son books about Jews who love Jesus and talks to him about doing missionary work in his own backyard *hint, hint*. After some brief discussion about Jesus with his friend, Abe states having dreams where Jesus essentially tells him that he needs to accept him as his savior and that Harry Potter is evil. He has three dreams that are shot in the exact same way as he discusses them with Paul and a neighborhood girl, Sarah. He also speaks in tongues. Paul starts wondering if his father's "Harry Potter is okay and speaking in tongues is weird" stance is backwards and he and Sarah go to research more conservative churches. Meanwhile, Abe talks to God. Seriously. We didn't think the movie would go there but it did.
Abe decides to tell his father that he has accepted Jesus in one of the best scenes in film history. The father asks if it's a girl that has his mind occupied. He says it's a guy and the father has a gay scare. Then Abe clarifies that the guy is question is actually Jesus and his dad responds by tearing his shirt open and growling.
Abe's father sends him off to New York to be with his uncle and be in a more Jewish friendly environment in hopes that it will cure him of Jesus fever. Instead Abe drives away a rabbi, a "deprogramer," and heals his cousin's multiple sclerosis. They all convert to Abe's "Jew but with Jesus" ideology. Why anyone is still worshipping Jesus at this point when Abe is clearly the messiah is beyond me.
Abe's father and Christian dad argue about religion where Christian dad actually compares not believing Jesus is the messiah to not believing that the Holocaust happened as if one of these things is not 100% provable while the other is pure faith. Abe comes home having converted everyone and his mom and dad decide to read some literature about Jesus to try to understand their son. They walk away converts. Also, Paul convinces his dad to follow a stricter idea of the Bible. Now everyone loves Jesus and hates fun. Let's go to a Messianic church together! Also, Abe's cousin is here and being shipped with Paul! And Abe and Sarah are also being shipped because of their names! Ignore that it's creepy for parents to play matchmaker with their 12-year-olds! And let's have a bar mitzvah for everyone! "Hava Naglia" plays on repeat for eternity. We wonder why it took us three hours to watch a two hour movie and then realized it was because we stopped it so often to laugh or discuss the movie's various inaccuracies about Jewish people. If that isn't a sign of this movie's quality, then I guess you'll just have to pray to Yeshua for answers and hope he brought his megaphone to answer you with.
Quotes:
"It only takes one bad egg to ruin the egg salad."
"Think with your heart, not with your logic."
"What did your family do when you came out of the closet about Jesus?"
Spoon Rating: 7.5
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