Have you ever felt like you really wanted to watch an Uwe Boll movie without
actually giving money to Uwe Boll? Have I got a film for you! Apparently based
on a role playing game and very visually reminiscent of "Alone In The Dark"
(see: seizure-inducing), "Mutant Chronicles" does a lot of work to make sure to
get on our list of some of the most boring movies we've watched in spite of being
heavily action.
After five minutes of unintelligible backstory, a war in present day
(whenever that is) that looked like some kind of alternate universe dieselpunk
World War mash-up, and a bunch of monks talking about the backstory, we all
looked to Sarah to explain what was going on. Her main job within the group has
become to follow the plot when the rest of us have tuned it out. As she
explained to us, some alien machine that creates mutant came to earth and they
buried it because it could destroy the world through zombification. During the
war, it gets accidentally dug up and these monks who are part of a brotherhood to
watch over and destroy the machine gather a bunch of army people to go on a
suicide mission to destroy it. The movie literally falls into a huge plothole
and the other 70 minutes of the film consist of this group travelling through
tunnels like a knockoff Indiana Jones movie, fighting mutants, and dying off one
by one in violent CGI ways until all that remains is part-mutant Thomas Jane and
a limp cigarette. At least we get a few minutes of perpetually irritated Olive
Garden patron, John Malkovich, saying he can't escape to Mars with most of the
humans because the gravity difference is bad for his gastrointestinal tract. I
know you wanted to think about Mr. Malkovich's bathroom issues.
So who's to blame for this film? A lot of people. This movie had 13 executive
producers.
How Adam thought to improve this movie. Everything's better when it's a la mode.
How Sarah thought to improve this movie. And she was the one who paid for
it.
Quotes:
"You can fuck a lot of people but you only die once."
"Put it in the hole!"
"Which hole?"
"Any hole!"
Adam's Grandma's Review: "Didn't like it. If I could have slept through it I
would have. I wasn't in my recliner."
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