The Fantastic Four [1994]

This movie was made but never released. In spite of that, it was fully edited albeit of really low video and audio quality. So why does it exist? A movie needed to be made to hold onto the copyright. And I guess this was the start in what appears to be a cursed franchise so no movie about these characters seems to be any good.

From what we could gleam, this was mostly an origin story of the four with two villains: a sewer man who kidnaps a blind artist who eventually falls in love with The Thing and Dr. Doom who has a bone to pick with Mr. Fantastic. Dr. Doom is especially fun with his fixation on caressing people's faces and his flair for the dramatic. Aside from that, the special effects are very special. It was pretty dry for most of the film but the last 10 minutes or so were pretty much non-stop laughter. 

We can't totally recommend it, but it wouldn't necessarily be a waste to watch.

Spoon Rating: 4 

Sledgehammer [1983]

From the genius mind that gave us Deadly Prey comes his first film, a basic slasher-in-the-house-of-college-kids film. 

The plot is simple. An eight-year-old is locked in a closet so his mom can bang her lover, he gets out and murders them with a sledgehammer. Years later, the house is rented out by college kids for a night of partying and he takes his sledgehammer to them. The most confusing thing about the film is the killer himself. He seems to be resurrected by the college kids during a seance, but was he even dead? We never hear of him dying, but he does seem to materialize in the form of a man, implying that maybe he grew up and then died? However sometimes he reverts back to his eight-year-old state. Does it matter really? We're just here for death right? Death and excessive mullets and the longest still shots you could imagine juxtaposed with slow mo because gosh darn it we are going to try to get this film as close to an hour and a half as we can.

We were a bit divided on this film. We laughed a bit but the long shorts, slow motion, and long flashbacks made the film drag quite a bit. You probably won't regret watching it, but we are not sure if it's a guaranteed watch.

Spoon Rating: 4.5 

Pregnant By My Tough Daddy CEO [2025]

We have dived into the vertical drama well again, and as excellent as the title of this one is, we actually started watching a different one, The Double Life Of My Billionaire Husband. About 50 minutes in, it started getting spliced with a different movie, which actually was the one of the title, and it turned out after some quick research that we had actually been watching Pregnant By My Tough Daddy CEO, an objectively funnier premise. While this movie did hit a lot of the same telenovela beats as the previous vertical drama we watched, 30 Years Frozen, the actors in that one were chewing all the scenery while these actors were basically asleep and had no chemistry. It was awesome.

The plot was another "the perfectest girl is bullied by everyone but wins in the end" vibe. In this case the girl, Aurora Sinclair, a porn star name if I've ever heard one, is rescued from bullying from her college roommate because she couldn't afford a bagel by a billionaire she once bought a water for three years ago (when he had been robbed or something? unclear). In a desperate financial situation, she gets a job as a slutty cocktail waitress and is again saved by harassment by the billionaire, Caleb Hunter. They have a one night stand - she's a virgin, he's mostly infertile, both these things are important - and in the morning he offers to pay for her mom's surgery misunderstanding her as a gold digger. Two months later she's pregnant with his twins, and he realizes the money request was a misunderstanding so he comes to find her, saving her from her evil brother, and decides they are going to get married. From there it's a series of her being mistreated by his mom (who she wins over with food and shopping), his cousin, her roommate again, a childhood friend of Caleb's, her brother and roommate again, and him constantly coming to her rescue. They are also awkward around sex in spite of her being pregnant with his twins. She's so pure and perfect, you see. She gives birth. They get married. Again, the good girl wins it all in the wish fulfillment fantasy of a preteen.

Again, another consistent laugh factory only paling in comparison to our previous vertical drama because that one's premise was just so much wackier and the acting was so much more earnest. Still a great watch though! How does one hit the limit on a no-limit credit card? Why would someone keep a used condom next to them in bed all night, only realizing it broke in the morning? Why did she buy a $50,000 dress and do those even exist when the billionaires on Succession don't even wear stuff that expensive? All questions this movie will make you ponder.

Spoon Rating: 7 

War Of The Worlds [2025]

After all the hype (what's the opposite of hype - derision?) that we have seen for this film, it had to be a movie night prospect. It's even free with Amazon Prime, a fact that will make a lot of sense really quickly. You see, in the grand pantheon of adaptions of the H.G. Wells novel that don't really follow the plot of the original, this movie provides something the 2005 Tom Cruise flick didn't have: masses of overt product placement for the US's top abhorrent billionaires. Amazon, of course, is not only mentioned (specifically a reoccurring bad joke about spying on people's Amazon carts) but the main character's future son-in-law is a driver for Amazon and a key moment in the film involves him using Amazon's drone shipping service to save the day. And that's actually not all. Tesla is prominently featured for its self-driving capabilities, Facebook makes multiple appearances as both a source of communication and a way for the main character to memorialize his dead wife, and Whats App, which we now know is owned by Meta, is the main way characters video call each other, which is in no way true to reality unless you live outside of the United States. 

In fact, let me talk a little bit more about video calls specifically because they are constant in this film with good reason: this is a film that takes place almost entirely on a computer screen a la Unfriended or Open Windows. Ice Cube places an NSA guy who spies constantly on his kids. When the aliens come, apparently they all still have time for video calls so that Cube can see the aliens without actually leaving his Pentagon bunker. It's so stupid, I can't even. The parts that aren't on the computer screen are just shots of Ice Cube's face in his office going through some of the most hilarious and muted face journeys you could possibly imagine. Of course they discover that the aliens are cyborgs and being half organic-half machine is perfect since Cube's daughter is a biologist and his son is a computer hacker who he's been unknowingly trying to track down. They infect the aliens with a virus when they go to gobble up that sweet, sweet data and the family tension is reconciled even though we get no evidence that Cube isn't still stalking his kids.

For the stupid style choices, the predictable as hell plot, the overly dramatic editing, the expressions, and the blatant product placement, this is a good time. Of course, as long as you can watch it for free and aren't giving Amazon any more money to watch this hour and a half long ad.

Spoon Rating: 5 

Also that night we did something probably totally ill advised and did a single elimination taste test of 16 different milk chocolates. Our top three brands were Ritter Sport, Tony's Chocolonely, and Chocolove.